The Truth Behind Rob Kraft and His Florida Hand Jibbers

Unless you live under a rock or are Amish, you probably heard the crazy news this morning. Robert Kraft, President and CEO the Patriots, has had a warrant put on him for being involved in a sex trafficking ring at a Jupiter, Florida strip mall day spa (pictured below)… yes that’s the actual place he got busted at.

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Jim Boeheim may be the luckiest mother fucker on the planet because never did I think the “Jim Boeheim Kills a Guy” headline could be topped, but 24 hours later here we are with with “Robert Kraft Gets Busted in Sex Trafficking Ring”.

Now let’s get into it, basically what happened was Rob Kraft pulled up to a Florida strip mall earlier in the week where he got a “massage” from what sources close to the Florida FBI are saying was a forced sex worker, who’s identity is unknown. Other notable “clients” of the Jupiter day spa include Richard “Dick” Palmer, Mingfu Lu, & 85 year old Daniel “Not So Young” Young. There is also “100% certainty” of a video that incriminates Rob Kraft going public in the near future, but sadly isn’t available yet. In spite of this a source with Rob Kraft says that they deny any illegal activity, but honestly he should just own it at this point. According to my writer @coolguypgh, he will only face a max 2 months in prison which isn’t terrible and considering he’s besties with Meek Mill Kraft definitely has a hella ton of street cred.

The people I really feel for are the Brady kids. I’m sure that none of them asked Tom to continue kissing them on the lips for eternity, but now they may have some sort of sex trafficking super STD because of it. Bad parenting on the supposed “GOAT” Tom Brady if I do say so myself.

-VP

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Why You Should Buy In to the AAF

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With the inaugural weekend of AAF action in the books, I have officially bought in to the Alliance of American Football.  With former NFL players and college stars littered throughout the 8 rosters, what’s not to love about the NFL’s D-League?  A safe middle ground between the stars of the NFL and the lack of talent and defense at the collegiate level, the AAF is the perfect offseason football for football fanatics.

What Makes the AAF Special

While this may just seem like a less-talented NFL at first, there are rules in the AAF that keeps the game exciting and fast-paced.  With no TV timeouts or challenges (there is an official who can correct calls in real-time), AAF games feel much shorter than the typical NFL game.  Not only is the game faster, but some of the more boring plays in football are removed.  The point after try has been completely eliminated in this league, forcing teams to go for two after every touchdown.  The kickoff has been replaced by the ball starting off at the 25-yard line.  This also keeps players on the field, as kickoffs have been known to create plenty of injury problems.

On top of keeping the game fast-paced, there are some new rules that keep the league fresh compared to other leagues.  For example, the onside kick has been replaced by the onside conversion.  The onside conversion can only be called if a team is losing by 17+ points or if there are less than 5 minutes in the fourth quarter.  If it is called, the team losing gets the opportunity to convert a 4th-and-12 from their own 28 yard line.  After this play the game simply continues as usual, according to whether or not the losing team converted.  The league also appears to be oriented towards the offensive-loving fan, as the defense can only rush five, in order to protect the quarterbacks.

Eight Teams and Their Stars

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The eight teams in the AAF are comprised of players within their given region.  Players are allocated to each team based on where they played collegiate football or where they played most recently professionally.  For example, the Arizona Hotshots get players from the Cardinals, Ravens, Bears, 49ers, Edmonton Eskimos, and several major colleges near or in Arizona, including Arizona, New Mexico, and UCLA.

Arizona Hotshots

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The Arizona Hotshots are 1-0 after their 38-22 victory over the Salt Lake Stallions.  Head coached by former UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel, the Hotshots are led by a one-two punch at quarterback featuring former Cardinal Trevor Knight and former Wake Forest Demon Deacon John Wolford.  Other interesting names on the Hotshot depth chart include two former Eagles Dexter McDougle and Josh Huff, and former Jets kicker Nick Folk.

Atlanta Legends

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Despite a star-studded front office including Mike Vick as a team advisor and former Vikings coach Brad Childress within the organization, the Legends lack noticeable names on their depth chart.  This was evident in their 6-40 loss against the Orlando Apollos in week one.  Perhaps starting quarterback Matt Simms (son of Phil and brother of Chris) will be able to turn their fortunes around.

Birmingham Iron

The Birmingham Iron have the biggest star in the AAF in their backfield with former Alabama running back Trent Richardson.  Richardson is one of many AAF players looking to make an NFL return in the near future, and he is trying to use the AAF to do so.  His AAF debut was successful, with two touchdowns and a 26-0 win over the Memphis Express.  The Iron have one of the strongest defenses in the league, as they have recorded the first shutout in the history of the AAF.

Memphis Express

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The Memphis Express had the least impressive of all of the debuts from this past weekend.  Former Jet and Penn Stater Christian Hackenberg captained the offense to an inspiring 67 yards and an interception on 23 passes.  Head coached by Mike Singletary (yes, you read that right), Memphis looks like they could very easily end up at the bottom of the AAF in its inaugural season.  Other notable players on the Memphis Express include former Ram Zac Stacy (pictured above) and former LSU and Titans quarterback Zach Mettenberger is the second-string to Hackenberg.

Orlando Apollos

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The Orlando Apollos delivered the statement performance of the AAF’s inaugural weekend, dominating the Atlanta Legends 40-6.  Led by the stellar defensive performance of former Redskin and Seahawk Terence Garvin (pictured on left) who finished his outing with ten tackles and 2 interceptions.  The Apollos also have the most decorated coach in the league in Steve Spurrier, who called an ‘Orlando Special‘ during the blowout.

Salt Lake Stallions

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The Salt Lake Stallions may have lost their first game in franchise history 38-22 against Atlanta, but this team has one of the most talented rosters in the league.  With two noteworthy former NFL running backs in Branden Oliver and Matt Asiata, the Stallions are not a team to take lightly in the inaugural season of the AAF.

San Antonio Commanders

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The San Antonio Commanders set the world alit with a viral hit coming from linebacker Shaan Washington, bringing the world of AAF football into mainstream media.  San Antonio’s defense looked incredible in their home opener, allowing only one score in a 15-6 win over San Diego.  This team is full of former NFL players including Kenneth Farrow, De’Vante Bausby, and Kurtis Drummond.  San Antonio’s defense should see them towards the top of the AAF by season’s end.

San Diego Fleet

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The eighth team in the AAF is the San Diego Fleet.  Their defeat in week one against the San Antonio Commanders gave them the first loss in the history of the AAF.  Now that’s something to be proud of!  Led by Arizona State alum Mike Bercovici (who was the recipient of the aforementioned viral hit), San Diego struggled to get their offense going in the Alamodome.  The Fleet consist of a few big name former NFLers including Gavin Escobar and Ron Brooks.

With eight fun teams to root for and plenty of former NFL players scattered across the league, I am proud to call myself an AAF fan.  Football has always been my favorite sport, and I am willing to give the AAF a chance if it means I get to continue watching football for a few more months.

To the @NFL: It’s Time to Change the Over-Time Rules

Last night, both the NFC and AFC Championship games went into overtime. The NFC Championship game ended in an unusual way, but it wasn’t the OT that made it in any way controversial.

It saw one of the most egregious Pass Interference no-calls in recent history, from any angle, and any viewpoint. It was clearly a play on the receiver and not a play on the ball, and he hit him before the ball was in a catch-able range. If that wasn’t PI, nothing is; but that’s not what this article is about.

This article is about the unabashed embarrassment that is the NFL’s over-time rules. There are many reasons to disagree with the rules philosophically, but there is absolutely no way you can stand by them after Super Bowl 51.

Super Bowl 51 took the rules in their worst form and put it on display in front of the largest audience in American pro-sports. You would think that would be a convenient time to make the rules more logical and balanced, but no. The league simply cannot help themselves.

The NFC Championship game thankfully ended in a hectic but competitively reasonable fashion. The Saints had the ball, messed up, and the Rams capitalized. But that game, too, could have ended like the AFC title game. The Saints could easily have won the game on that drive, and we’d be sitting here talking about the entire Super Bowl hanging in the balance of a coin toss.

There is an argument to be made that sudden-death style rules make over-time more exciting. The reality is, they simply don’t. Nothing kills a tense competitive atmosphere more than a game ending out of nowhere, with half of both teams not getting a say in the matter. There is even an argument to be made that sudden-death makes it a better spectator experience, but this is also false. Watching the game last night, with multiple people of varying interest in football, not a single person felt the rules made any sense, even people who don’t follow football and were watching purely as a casual spectator.

It doesn’t make it more hype. It doesn’t make it a better watch. It leaves you with nothing except a sense of anti-climax and frustration.

Aside from the bad taste OT often leaves in peoples’ mouths, there simply is no excuse for one team to end the game on the first possession of a period. The reason the game went into over-time was the full roster, offense and defense, of both teams were so evenly matched that the game was tied after 4 quarters. For it to be possible for only half of each team to fight for the W, in a game where most players only play on one side of the ball (unlike hockey or basketball in which offense and defense more or less happen simultaneously) is purely inexcusable and moronic.

It’s not like this is a non-issue either, this NFL season had an unprecedented amount of over-time games, including some that were similarly decided because of a coin-toss, Eagles/Cowboys being a notable example. More importantly, this has happened multiple times in the past 3 years, including a Super Bowl. If the Super Bowl is supposed to be the crowning achievement of professional sports, and the pinnacle of competition, how can it possibly be decided by a coin-toss?

The NFL does a lot of things questionably. PI rulings are unusually inconsistent, roughing the passer is apparently constituted as brushing Tom Brady’s sternum with your hand, and pulling Nick Foles by his horse-collar and hurling him to the ground isn’t. But nothing, and I mean nothing, is as frustrating, illogical, embarrassing, anti-climactic, and as overdue for a reboot as the NFL’s over-time rules.

Christmas Comes Early: Big Dick Nick destroys Sean McVay & Co

A year and some change ago from today the Eagles went to LA to play the Rams in a game where Nick Foles would eventually take over for an injured Carson Wentz, and we all pretty much know what happened from there. Now this year Nick Foles again took over for an injured Wentz against the very same team, sprinkled some of his Big Dick Magic, and got a win against debatable the best team in the NFC, highlights below if you’re a scumbag and didn’t watch

Nick Foles statistically didn’t play up to his standards dropping 270 passing yards, no TDs, and a passer rating of 89.4 but his impact was immeasurable. The whole team just looked like they had a different energy and feeling to them. Just look at my Pittsburgh Panther brother Avonte Maddox, a glorified special teams player that allowed a receiver to get almost 300 yds in front of my very face when he played at Pitt, but last night he actually looked like a competent corner as he had a interception and covered the rams receiving core very well. Alshon Jeffrey also looked like the top ten receiver he is snagging 160 yards in the air including catching an absolute bomb from Big Dick Nick


Next week the surging Texans will come to the Linc to get there very own taste of Nick Foles and the gang which will be the biggest game of the season as its a must win. To end this recap i’ll leave you Nicko Mode, the greatest thing ever made, you’re welcome